I’m trying to stay strong, but it’s hard when everything is tearing you down.
It’s hard for me to admit, but harder to ignore. When you kissed my scars my heart leaped, something I haven’t felt in years. Something I’ve been afraid of feeling for so long, something I’m still not sure I want to feel.
Depression is like this; no matter how physically close you are to someone- you’re still empty. When someone makes you happy- you leave, in fear that they will leave you. Every sound is dull and lifeless, because that’s what you have become. The shell of who you once were.
I’ve grown so cold as I’ve grown older. I’ve pushed people out because I just can’t deal with anything anymore.
Sometimes I’m overwhelmed with a sadness that comes out of nowhere, and I don’t know what to do with myself.
If I killed myself, I wouldn’t want anyone to know about me for a long time. But there’s this small, selfish, part of me that wants my death to be more than a tumblr post. I feel like I have to prove something. But I’m nothing special.
5 Things No One Knows About Me..
1. In second grade, I went on my first diet. I had one Slim Fast drink a day and got up at 5 am to run on my treadmill.
2. I can’t remember a time where I didn’t think about dying
3. I started self harming from an early age. Whenever I had got in a fight, I would go into my room and dig my fingernails into my hair line and punch my head as hard as I could.
4. I tell people I lost my virginity at 16, but I actually lost it at 15, two days before my 16th birthday. And when it happened, I felt nothing. All I could think of was someone else.
5. I would give almost anything to have my hipbones pop out.
