I’m lost. But the worst part is that I’m not sure if I want to be found.
I’ve written my goodbye so many times. I’ve thought about and researched how I would do it. I honestly don’t understand why I haven’t just done it already.
What I is want someone to care. More than anything. But once I have their attention, and they care about me, I push them away. I realize that they’ll leave anyway, so I should just leave first.
Sometimes I’ll be doing okay. And then it finds me. I step into the black hole and it consumes me. I start to drown, I become numb. I can’t get out. There’s no escape.
Maybe if I was more beautiful, much skinnier, taller, more outspoken, kinder, happier, and optimistic, you would love me more. Maybe if I was for once in my fucking life good enough, you would realize I could never replace you, like you replaced me.
Some people don’t understand others who self harm. They think we do it for attention, or that we have a choice. They don’t see how we ARE starving for attention, but not in that way. They don’t see us when we’re in our rooms, begging to be strong enough to not hurt yourself. Not today. Begging this monster to stop controlling your life. Just wanting to be okay again.
I feel nothing yet absolutely everything. I’m numb, and empty, and hollow. Everything hurts, but my insides are rotting. How does this make sense?
